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Wednesday, April 23, 2014
The 5 Rules of Whiskey Social Media
Since there are now so many whiskey social media sites, I thought I would post the five main rules that operate in these sites so people will know how they function. Of course, different sites have varying practices, but these rules are fairly universal.
1. You may not buy a bottle of whiskey unless you post a picture of it and ask "Is this any good?"
2. You may not use Google to answer any question about whiskey, ever. You must post all such questions to social media.
3. Once you buy a bottle of whiskey, you must take a photo of said bottle and post a picture of it so people know you now own that bottle. You may not wait until you get home to post such photo, lest people not know that you own it while you are in transit. Therefore, you must post a picture of the bottle in the automobile, bus, train, plane, submarine, horse or other vehicle in which you are travelling.
4. If someone posts a picture of a rare or desirable bottle and asks if it is any good (per Rule 1), at least five people must respond, "No, it's terrible. Send it to me immediately!" or some similar sentiment.
5. If you are at a store, bar, friend's house or any other location that has a bottle of any Van Winkle, Willett, Angel's Envy, Michter's or Buffalo Trace Antique Collection whiskey, you must post a photo of said bottle immediately.
Come to think of it, there may be more than five of these rules. Did I miss any?
6. If you find a rare or desirable bottle several months after it's release at many times MSRP, you are obligated to post a picture of the prices decrying gouging. Ignore the likelihood that the prices are the only reason the bottle is still on the shelf. For maximum irony post said pictures on sites dedicated to reselling said bottles.
ReplyDelete7. Always post a photo of a closed bottle and ask for tasting notes. Never open the bottle and supply any of your own.
8. Always refer to empty bottles as "fallen soldiers"
9: When finding a rare bottle of whisky on an auction site, you must resist the urge to post links to said site on social media to avoid being outbid by others.
ReplyDelete10. If you encounter a master distiller or other well-known whiskey person at an event, you must immediately post a photo of you shaking hands with said person, or, better yet, with your arm around his/her shoulder.
ReplyDelete11. Once you get home with your new bottle of whiskey (see Rule 3), you must immediately post a photo of your entire stash with the new bottle added.
12. All social media sites dedicated to the reviewing of whisky must have a side profile photo of the reviewer nosing a whisky glass.
ReplyDelete13. When finding a stash of semi-rare whiskeys on a store shelf, you take a picture and post them as "shelf turds." You then proceed to purchase them all and not tell anyone.
ReplyDelete14. When visiting a new city, be sure to ask the community at large what liquor stores in the area have very rare and desirable whiskeys on the shelf
ReplyDeleteYou must refer to whiskey as "juice" at least 80% of the time.
ReplyDeleteYou must make the sad and lonely activity of scouring liquor stores for old inventory seem exciting by referring to it as "dusty hunting".
Excellent! I knew I'd missed some. Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is terrible! Please transfer control over it to me immediately!
ReplyDeleteThanks, this post was very funny, I'm definitely guilty of some of these
All boastful whiskey pics must also be accompanied by either companion photo:
ReplyDeletehttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UCVRbvjoEFA/Up0KHP9gQGI/AAAAAAAAH50/yVT9BIywssI/s640/Big+Deal+Ron+Burgundy.jpg
...or this:
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2590959616/h16B1F87F/
Oh yes, anonymous' #12. If you can't have a picture of you nosing the glass, at least have one of you gazing at its color with glass upheld.
ReplyDelete15. When in doubt; crotch shot.
ReplyDelete16. If someone else has posted a 'fallen soldier' within the past 9 minutes, don't get all down on yourself and fell bad you've lost the opportunity, just reply with: " a moment of silence, please." It's good for at least 45 "likes."
17. When questioning the mod whether he/she has any sense of rational compass, be prepared to be permanently deleted from the group with no explanation. Bourbon is for realsies serious business!!
In response to FunkyTape's #15:
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to call attention to your bottle include a shot of your breasts*.
Yes, I was rather shocked to "discover" such a site exists. Look for the whiskyporn subreddit.
*Only if you're a woman
#** when discussing an annual release (ie Four Roses small batch LE) you are obligated to comment that you don't like this years release as much as a previous release.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to #6
ReplyDeleteB) Upon finding your favorite limited release on the shelf for 5-10x retail and posting your outrage, always include to threaten the retailer with the following;
1) telling everyone you know not to shop there [we all know retailers have no right to engage in capitalism] and 2) that you will be 'reporting them to the distillery' as to have them 'cut off from allocation.' Name dropping here is essential, so for the biggest ego boost use 'Julian Van Winkle.' If that fails, go with 'Jim Rutledge' [flash photo of him looking smug with his arm around you as close to mngr's face as possible].
3) Leave store stomping heels against ground like a 4-yr old vowing never to return.
4) Return to store 9 days later just to make sure the bottles are still there. Repeat 1-4 as needed until someone else seems to care.
Nailed it as usual. I want to post this to the Facebook sites but I'm sure I will get banned. Some very serious people on those pages.
ReplyDeleteThat's the whole point. They'll ban you if they don't like you anyway. BP/BX is run by pretentious pricks.
Delete18 (I think) Never refer to having a glass of, or a drink of Whiskey. It must always be referred to as "a pour"
ReplyDelete18) If someone post a scotch bottle in a bourbon forum - comment as if they are commiting murder and PM the host immediately.
ReplyDelete19) complain about retailers charging more than 5x retail on one forum - sell said bottle in different forum for 5x retail
ReplyDelete19) complain about retailers charging more than 5x retail on one forum - sell said bottle in different forum for 5x retail
ReplyDeleteThat's a classic!
ReplyDelete20) Take everything way too seriously. Forget that whiskey is for sharing and drinking with friends
21) If someone posts a rare or "unicorn" whiskey, you must post a comment of your own proving that you recognize what that bottle is, while adding nothing of value to the discussion.
ReplyDelete22) Photos of cardboard boxes recently used to ship whiskey are fascinating; they should be posted with vigor.
23) Everyone cares what you are drinking at this very moment -- post it!
24) If you ask a stupid question, you will get serious answers.
25) If you ask a serious question, you will get stupid answers.
26) "Flipping" bottles is a wonderful public service.
Did anyone mention their " bunker" or "couldn't pull the trigger".
ReplyDeleteI just posted this on bourbon info exchange on Facebook. I wonder if I'll get banned . . .
ReplyDeleteHilarious post. Literally some LOL moments here. I'm certainly guilty of a lot of this stuff and most of the quotes are so spot on that (a) some of those commenting are also guilty or (b) some of those commenting are lurkers obsessed with bashing the Facebook groups and other forums (of which there are certainly many that exist).
ReplyDeleteThere should also be an equally funny post about reviewers and their blogs (not directed specifically at you SKU, you're one of the few bloggers I can stand) -
1. All whisk(e)y reviews are written in front of your Serge shrine.
2. You represent the common man. Even though you're holding a glass (excuse me...dram) of Black Bowmore, you're just a mere commoner. No amount of free or traded (or purchased) samples/bottles of Very Old Fitzgerald, 30 year old Port Ellen, or Ardbeg single casks from the 1970's can get between you and the working man who really appreciates these fine liquids.
3. You were there from the beginning, before whisky was cool. Just like your favorite band who is now popular, you were there when it all began.
4. You must be able to recite at least 10 flavors or descriptors for each of the nose, palate, and finish...regardless of if you've ever tried those Scottish biscuits that you're so familiar with (while living in L.A.)
5. Every bottle you own MUST be opened as soon as you get it. After all, whisky is for drinking...
6. You must comment on all forums that whisky is best shared with friends.
7. You must be either a member of LAWs or be in the process of filling out an application if you live in the U.S. If in Europe, a Malt Maniac I.D. will suffice.
8. You must provide your annoying opinions.
9. You must NEVER purchase or swap for a bottle of whisky that has been held back for any reason. If it isn't coming from a proper auction house at retail prices or if it isn't a current release and available in stores, then naturally you will have nothing to do with such activities.
I'm sure I forgot something...
- Ensure that the most commonly updated thread is "What I Just Bought" or "What I'm Drinking Now" (Whisky Selfies)and put no effort in anything interesting to anyone other than yourself. Jesus...
ReplyDeleteChampion your argument by beginning with any of the three following statements:
ReplyDelete"Well Chuck Cowdery told me....."
"Mike Veach says....."
"Sku thinks......"
#27 Post pictures of bottles you bought online and on Craigslist claiming to have "found them in the wild on a hunt"
ReplyDelete