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Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Introducing Loki Titanic Hurricane Mule Train Diamond Jubilee Whisky: A Whisky with a Gimmick (or two)
After spending some time studying recent trends in whisky marketing, I am proud to introduce my first whisky for sale: Loki Titanic Hurricane Mule Train Diamond Jubilee Whisky.
In honor of the Diamond Jubilee of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II and named for the Norse God Loki with no intention at all to capitalize on recent popular movies which may feature a character of the same name, Loki Titanic Hurricane Mule Train Diamond Jubilee Whisky is a truly unique whisky. This three and a half year old is a replica of a whisky which is rumored to have been recovered from the ruins of the Titanic (when we found it, it was very wet). Our brand ambassador, famously known as "the Tongue," carefully and faithfully recreated the whisky using a selection of the best spirits available at our local Costco. Then, while the Titanic replica whisky was ageing, a massive hurricane (well, technically a tropical storm or at least "gusty winds") broke a window to the warehouse and left the whisky exposed to the elements for nearly 38 minutes. Luckily, the whisky was unhurt and was immediately transferred to mules, which carried the casks through the Grand Canyon to improve the ageing process.
Now, for just $18,565, you can celebrate the Diamond Jubilee by tasting a whisky that may be very close to what was consumed on board the Titanic, survived a natural disaster and was subject to mule-enhanced ageing. Remember, with a name like Loki, it has to be evil!
LOL! That is brilliant, Sku. I'll take a whole case!
ReplyDeleteI just put a down payment on a bottle from the limited allotment rumored to be coming to the control state of PA. However, due to the state's massive buying power, we can get it here (if and when it arrives) for only $12,244, the same price as the 6 year old from the new Dalmore Constellation collection.
ReplyDeletePuttin' mine on eBay!
Sam K, $12,244 for the 200ml. The 375ml is $18,565.
ReplyDeleteThe last two comments make me yearn for a "like" function on your comments, Sku.
ReplyDeleteI also heard the mules carried the whisky in 2000 liter tuns that held Chateau Lafite for 45 seconds.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure its very good whiskey, but there are so many others available for under $18,000 that I'm not sure I'm ready to pay the extra $565 for it.
ReplyDeleteSure, but I hear it is the container you really want.
ReplyDeleteThis whisky was found on April 17th 2012, 06:17pm.
ReplyDeleteIt got shipped to Kughalochrk, Antartica, headquarters of S.K.U Galactic Co. and analyzed through kryptnonic GCMS so each compound's proportion within the blend, name, smell and taste could be discovered.
The blend, made from barrels that had been lost, totally forgotten about then luckily found in one (of the four) corner(s) of the 600 sq feet warehouse has been crafted on April 17th 2012, 8:15pm.
The label got created, registered (and approved) within a few minutes by the brilliant minds whose job it is to do so, printed and sticked on the handblown bottle made for the occasion.
By April 18th 2012, 10.00am the limited 97,000 bottles where on shelf. Everywhere whisky is sold.
Great comments everyone! Keep 'em up.
ReplyDeleteageing vs. aging
ReplyDeleteUsing the Queen's English? That is a bit of a grey area.
I have found that the more words in the title of a whiskey (or whisky in this case), the worse gas I get when I drink it. Am I alone?
ReplyDeleteAnyone have a bottle I can come over and sample?
Distillery club members are also invited to geocache the desert Southwest surrounding the canyon for a one-off Loki finishing within the last Cockerell's Bumblebee hive. Loki reigned down extinction upon this species adding a profound spiritual sweetness to the honeyed aroma and palate of this endagered whisky.
ReplyDeleteDon't even get me started on our new flavoured whisky line. Loki Peanut Butter, Jelly and Bacon Whisky is an organic, certified kosher flavored whisky which even gals will like!
ReplyDeleteYou did it, again... flavoured and flavored in the same posting. It IS the Queen's English.
ReplyDeleteThat was for you Anon. It's a labour of love.
ReplyDeleteColour me surprised.
ReplyDeleteHey, me and a buddy were at a Harlan Wheatly tasting in Houston and he slipped us Jim Murray's advance Loki tasting notes scribbled on a blood stained Dairy Queen napkin:
ReplyDeleteOn the nose it is clear that Loki is truly a god of lies and mischief. Every waft deeply maliciously resentful of human olfactory receptors... wreaking vengeful havoc upon all one thought whisky could not be.
Alas it is upon the palate where Loki's sheer talent for mischief manifests. The ABV is a formidable adversary unleashed upon the tongue like a fire demon. A drop of water brings forth a thousand tons of sulfur; quickly animating one's soul to near astral form before a mammoth punitive legion of dryness strips it of its power and gives way to a collapsing superstructure of sherry descending upon the tongue like a viper dipped in poison with the power to destroy what it means to be human.
The finale is a nuclear-scale explosion of peat and many shelves of fine leather-bound volumes of vanilla that conceal a secret invasion of high-caliber armor piercing tannin.
There is no finish. Here Loki destroys time and refuses to be exiled from the palate by infinitely resurrecting itself. Days later Loki continues its supernatural siege to imprison the soul via inter dimensional teleportation. Flocks of scavengers fly above as one prays for the merciful abyss of death that will never come.
All hail The Great Destroyer: World Whisky of the Year
I heard it's already been discontinued due to shortages of stocks and that it opens an inter-dimensional portal where some guy has a chainsaw for an arm and they call this the boom-whisky.
ReplyDeleteBut there's plenty on eBay at 3x the retail price from people who are opposed to eBay sales.
I can't wait to shove some of this in my bunker
ReplyDelete