In my endless effort to monetize my blog, I've discovered that the one thing whisky drinkers love more than paying for exclusive, limited edition whisky is paying to join a club that lets them pay for exclusive, limited edition whisky. To that end, I'm proud to announce the formation of the Protestant Malt Whisky Society. Now, I'm not Protestant, but I have many friends and a wife who are, and I feel strongly that they should have the same opportunities to pay extravagant prices for access to whisky that my own people do.
Here's how it works. You pay to join the Society at one of our three levels listed below. Then, you have the opportunity to pay more to buy whisky. That's right! You pay now and pay later, a deal you can't beat. Each bottle you receive is guaranteed to be the finest caramel colored, chill filtered whisky, chosen by me personally from the selection at my local Spirits World Warehouse. In addition, each member will receive: (1) a membership card hand-crafted by my half-Protestant children from the finest construction paper; (2) our quarterly magazine, Filtered, which will keep you up to date with Society news; (3) two Glencairn glasses inscribed with "WhiskyLive" or "WhiskyFest"; and (4) a free subscription to my blog!
And while each of our whiskies is chosen to meet all Protestant dietary restrictions, we are ecumenical in nature and accept cash from people of all faiths (additional charges may apply to Scientologists).
Please choose your level:
Methodist Level ($250): The most puritanical level of membership comes with a 100 ml bottle of whisky, which I'm told is enough to last most Methodists for a lifetime. (Also suitable for Congregationalists).
Lutheran Level ($1,500): Nail your thesis to the wall with this exclusive membership for our Lutheran brothers and sisters. Along with two bottles of our finest whisky, you will receive a choice of (1) a six month supply of lutefisk; or (2) the complete Prairie Home Companion recordings on LP, eight track or cassette.
Episcopal Level (known as Anglican Level outside of the US) ($10,000): Be part of a world wide communion of whisky lovers with our ultra-exclusive Episcopal Level. Sure, you'll have schisms from time to time, but you will also be getting 5 bottles of our exclusive whisky as well as a premium selection of incense. You may notice that this is the exact same benefit offered by the Catholic Malt Whisky Society but with less guilt.
What are you waiting for? Operators are standing by and if you call in the next 15 minutes, we will include a chop-o-matic, a set of Ginsu knives and a Time-Life history of the War of 1812 in 38 leather bound volumes.
Order now! And remember, few things mix better than liquor and religion!