Monday, April 13, 2015

A New Technology to Miraculously Age Whiskey


Like Ponce de Leon searching for the fountain of youth, whiskey makers have spent years on the quest for a method that will allow them to age whiskey more quickly.  There have been countless theories and experiments, but now one man says he has the answer.

Larry Shihtzu of the Happy Kennels Distillery says he has a fool proof, tested method for aging his whiskey at lightning speed.  According to Shihtzu, "We opened our distillery inside of a working kennel so it actually ages in dog years.  For every year of aging, it tastes like it's aged for seven, so in two years, it will taste like a 14 year old whiskey; in three, it will taste like a 21 year old. When this hits the market, it's going to be huge!"

Shihtzu explains that the presence of dogs changes the composition of whiskey. "It's like how whiskey aged on the coast or on a boat has those sea notes. At the kennel, the dogs play with the barrels and roll them around; the whiskey acclimates to its surroundings and ages accordingly."

But can storing whiskey with dogs really speed up the aging process?  We took Shihtzu's theory to a chemist at a nearby university. Speaking off the record, he was skeptical, saying that from his observation, the theory appeared to be "total bullshit." Responding to the chemist, Shihtzu was undeterred, "Look, we have graphs...and charts. This thing is legit. We even submitted an article to the Journal of Veterinary Medicine."

In the end, as with any whiskey, the proof will be in how it tastes. According to Shihtzu, the distillery isn't providing samples of their work at this time. "Right now we're just doing press. You don't want to rush these things." 


11 comments:

tjr said...

But that's how my great, great, great-grandfather, the legendary (but hitherto unknown) Blowhard Barterhouse used to make his whiskey. People in Kentucky know that it is from BB that Daniel Weller learned how to make whiskey.


But, joking aside, if the industry figures out how to improve / accelerate the aging process, aren't we better off? I think it's good to call out the BS, but I'm afraid too many whiskey folk' are having knee-jerk reactions to the idea of accelerated aging.

Anonymous said...

This would have been great 12 day ago ...

Agree with tjr in that the concept of a faster "aging" is great but the proof is always in the taste. And the miraculous methods thus far have sadly failed.

Anonymous said...

@tjr. There is no parallel between "accelerated again" and natural aging. For producers to say or imply otherwise is bullshit. That's logic, not reflex.

Anonymous said...

Shihtzu said, "Our whiskey has many kennel notes, including dog breath."

So, in this case, "dog breath" is a good thing? I mean, when folks in the bourbon blog world review their offerings are they going to cite the "dog breath" on the nose as a good thing?

From Cleveland to parts unknown, all of this chemistry and dark wizardry to cheat the clock and allow entrepreneurs, cranks, and frauds to jump into the marketplace and take advantage of the "bourbon boom" is really just a bunch of bull***t.

One can imagine Shihtzu's innovative marketing campaign: bourbon rushed to market so you can get it quick - now with dog breath!

-Dan

sku said...

tjr, I want good whiskey. I honestly don't care how long it's aged or what method was used to age it, be it aging through some chemical process or putting it on a boat. I want it to taste good. I don't really understand the purpose of publicizing your special miracle aging process. Either your whiskey is good or not, and it will sell on that basis. I'm always suspicious of anyone who tries to sell whiskey (or any product for that matter) based on anything other than that it is a good quality product.

mpalef said...

Brings new meaning to "hair of the dog"

bearmark said...

I'd like to know if Mr. Shihtzu is aging in dog years, since he spends so much time in the kennels. Perhaps at least senility has occurred in dog years. He should also look into animals that age much faster in order to improve the process or perhaps use rabbits so that the whiskey will multiply at a phenomenal rate.

Randy P said...

You should have posted this on April 1st.

Anonymous said...

Either those are eensy-teensy barrels or absolutely huge dogs if the roll they barrels around.
Since they are not old enough to lose the angel's share, the barrels must weigh about 500 pounds. (Even of they are "dog pounds.)

Anonymous said...

Aged and protected by Saint Bernards who wear the barrels around their necks, carrying them up and down the mountains to aid the aging process.

Jason said...

I think he posted it after reading about the new aging process that is being touted by Bryan of Lost Spirits.

Interesting article, I would suggest checking it out.

It looks like the target (for the process) would not be whiskey as there are strict age requirements that go along with whiskey in the USA.