Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Important Customer Notice: Buffalo Trace Antique & Pappy Van Winkle Distribution

Dear Valued Customer,

We at Sku's Great Big House of Liquor do our level best to try and please each and every customer. In fact, our spirits directors, the Steves, will be travelling to Mexico next month to procure a specially selected, single barrel, cask strength, unfiltered, port-finished Tia Maria, even though we wrote in our blog last week that not everything should be cask strengh and unfiltered, and aren't we losing some amount of whiskey tradition by placing these demands on our spirits, and what is the purpose of drinking in our culture, and do we prove our importance or even our existence through drinking certain whiskeys and what are the sociological implications of that anyway, isn't drinking, like language itself, a mere construct? But I digress...

Unfortunately, it is simply not always possible to please the neurotic, OCD, border line paranoid-schitzophrenics who make up our dedicated customer base. We already have 10.5 million people on our standby list for the Buffalo Trace Antique Collection and the fall releases of Pappy Van Winkle. We have just been notified by Buffalo Trace that we will only be getting one bottle of each of these, so there will, unfortunately, not be enough for everyone. Therefore, we have come up with what we think is a fair way to distribute these very coveted bottles.

Step 1: Lottery. We will pick 150,000 names out of a hat. This will involve the procurement of a very large hat.

Step 2: Quiz. Each of the people who are picked out of a hat will be sent a detailed quiz about these bourbons. Please be familiar with the mashbills, provenance, romantic histories of the various brand ambassadors and other characteristics of these whiskeys.

Step 3: Triatholon. The 10,258 best scorers on the quiz will compete in a triatholon.

Step 4: Cage Match. The top two competitors in the triatholon will engage in a cage match. The winner of the cage match will get the bottle. If it is a tie, the tie will be broken by a game of backgammon.

Remember, you can sign up for more than one bottle, but you will have to participate in each step for every bottle you sign up for, even Eagle Rare 17.

The good news is that everyone who participates gets a free bottle of Rain Vodka!

Good luck and let the games begin. And thank you for choosing Sku's Great Big House of Liquor.


Regular Chumpington said...

Under what kind of conditions will the backgammon game be played? Underwater? Blindfolded? With a mortal wound? Inebriated? I'd like to help my chances.

sku said...

It's Australian Rules backgammon.

AaronWF said...


I just fell over myself to get a place in your lottery. I'm suing you for my hospital bill and lost sipping due to a broken wrist.

Papeye Winklestein

AdamH said...

Dear Sku, I did not read your blog post because I didn't but I saw you talk about the Buffalo Trapse Antiques Whiskies and Rip Van Winkle's Bourbons. Are they good? Where can I buy them? Please send info.

Thanks kindly

sku said...

Dear Adam, please address all such questions to the LA Whiskey Society. I am told there is someone there who answers all questions no matter how innane.