Thursday, May 9, 2013

Sku's Guide to Wine


As my readers know, I'm a whiskey guy.  I'm not really into wine.  In fact, I'd never had a glass before last Thursday, but after I saw Sideways at a friend's house, I thought I would become a wine advocate, throttle a few wines and give you the definitive scores on the best ever wines.

Screaming Eagle Cabernet.  Someone told me this was the very best wine in the world, and since I did not do any research for this piece, I am going to parrot that information here:  This is the very best wine in the world.  It is red and smells strangely grapey.  Yes, I would say there are definitely grapes in the mashbill.  On the palate, it tastes like a great bourbon but wineyer.   Don't bother with the ice or Coke with this one...sip it neat!  Oh, and this is a really rare wine that you will never get which enhances its quality by a huge amount. 100 million points!

Charles Shaw Merlot.  Charles Shaw is a guy who I assume grows and then stomps on grapes for this wine.  I think it's from France and imported by a guy named Trader Joe.  The only downside is that it's a Merlot, and the guy on Sideways didn't like Merlot so I can't recommend it.  Terrible stuff that tastes like sewage.  90 points.

Onus One.   This slope shouldered bottle has a white label with some blue smudges on it and a signature.  It's fine, but I've seen better labels, especially for the price.  I didn't get around to tasting it.  99 points.

Manischewitz.  My Rabbi told me to drink this.  It's definitely the best white wine I've had, and I think it's cask strength!  94 points.

Now that I have made the definitive statement on wine, you, my devoted readers, are ordered to slavishly hunt these down until you have driven your local retailer to the point where they will consider suicide as possibly the only relief from your incessant harassment.

I hope you enjoyed my conquest of wine and wine's unconditional surrender.  Next week there's  a James Bond marathon on...get ready for my definitive statement on Vodka.


30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Poetry.

Patrick Garrett said...

Can't wait to hear your tasting notes on vodka. With so many different flavors to decipher it's going to be hard work. So glad you're ready & willing to put in the effort and not rely on interns.

I'm gonna stock up on Popov right now just in case!

Archaeology Carl said...

Thank you! Been holding my breath for the last 24 hours waiting for this.

David D said...

You beat me to this one. I had one about surgical tools and instruments planned.

weller_tex said...

I knew you would come up with something good!

EllenJ said...

Great article, Sku. It sums up all the commentary being posted on the subject, not only here, but on other blogs and also the subject of two feature stories in the current Whisky Advocate. You said it very well, and I promise not to push THAT line of thought any further -- well, at least not here :=))

You should know, however, that Screaming Eagle Cabernet isn't their most prestigeous expression. In fact, it's pretty much made for the masses (were they ever to find any of it). All of us illuminati know that Ultra-Sauvignon (know to us insiders as "SEUS" is the epitomy of what fine, rare, wine should taste like. Only one barrel is produced per decade, and the bottles are gifted only to world leaders and pop music stars, so if you meet someone who claims to have tasted any of this, you know they must be on the good side of someone very important and you'd better do whatever they say.

Michael said...

In my experience Manischewitz really needs some water, and a prayer, before drinking.

BMc said...

"I didn't look at the label, but some of these must be pushing 10%!"

Anonymous said...

I'm soo ready for your definitive statement on vodka. Just posted this on Jason Pyle's blog: "It’s time to stop living a lie and confess our hysteria for the golden age of super premium Vodka. We’re all bunkering the stuff. I know that Sku and Tim Read will clean the shelves of any store that carries vodkas adorned with Swarovski crystals."

Anonymous said...

Beautiful: "In fact, I'd never had a glass before last Thursday, but after I saw Sideways at a friend's house, I thought I would become a wine advocate, throttle a few wines and give you the definitive scores on the best ever wines."

Anonymous said...

When I first read the post on K&L I though that you had written it and was quite amused.

Peter said...

That was awesome. I just wrote 800+ words on the same subject...you did it three times as well in one third the space.

TerryK said...

Unlike that impostor RP writing about bourbon, you've shown yourself to be a quick study on fine wines, and possessor of a refined, discriminating palate. Henceforth I shall address you as Master of Wine Sku. I eagerly await Sku's Wine Buyer's Guide, Edition No. 1.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your reviews, Sku. My collection of boxed wines is sure to appreciate greatly in value now and will look to see about selling them at Bonham's for a nifty profit.

Davin de Kergommeaux said...

Please Dear Lord, don't let Robert Parker find out about Scotch.

Jason Pyle said...

If Tim's was a punishing right cross, this is a taunting jab. Well done Steve. I was waiting for your laying down the gauntlet, but this exceeded expectations.

sku said...

Thanks for all the kind words folks. Glad you enjoyed it. Oh, and Jason, I think this is officially the first time my blog has been used in a boxing analogy. Good stuff.

Lazer said...

Sku, Tim, Jason, Davin, David D., Clay, and Chuck: don't be so jealous. You are grown men. Just because you wish you all had Robert Parker's writing talent, his exceptionally refined palette, and his enormous influence on consumer behavior, its no reason to behave this way. This is childish behavior and I expect better from all of you. Lets face it, you gentlemen aren't even half of what Robert Parker is, combined. I expect apologies and retractions of your comments on each of your blogs.

SinoSoul said...

Lazer, "palate", not "palette". -signed, foodie police.

Lazer said...

SinoSoul, Sorry, the spell checker said palette.

David D said...

Hey, I didn't say one bad word about it!

Florin said...

Sku didn't say a bad word either. The man is just branching out: Cognac, Armagnac, and now wine.
I for one try to drink everything he recommends (if it's 90+ points). But damn, these are hard to find! BevMo, K&L, HiTime - nobody has Charles Shaw or Onus One. I'll keep looking online...

sku said...

I heard K&L was only allocated two bottles of the Charles Shaw this year. They held a lottery for one and auctioned the other for $1,000.

Josh Feldman said...

I seldom actually laugh out loud when reading whisky blog posts - but I did today. Inspired. Borderline genius. "Terrible stuff that tastes like sewage. 90 points."

Ouch. So dead on.

Peter said...

I said a bad word about it, and "Lazer" didn't even mention me, which is probably for the best. I'm far less than half of whatever Robert Parker is but I'm definitely not jealous. If calling out someone of huge influence on random, off-the-cuff, poorly researched reviews is childish, then...well...it's not childish. Seriously how the hell is that childish? You're childish. You and your childish children are childish. And you smell like a monkey.

Anonymous said...

Nice one, Peter! This is why I drink bourbon.

Florin said...

Peter, I think Lazer's comment was tongue-in-cheek.
See what we're doing to each other? Robert Parker already won! :)

EllenJ said...

Ya mudda smells like a monkey!
And MY whiskey guru can eat YOUR whiskey guru for breakfast, see?

Hey, I'm not very experienced with this internet flaming thing; y'spose Mr. Parker might consider writing an article on the world's top-rated flames and their scores? I'm pretty sure he's gonna have a lot of research material to work with. Probably more than he did for the whiskey bit :=))

Anonymous said...

Let's go out and grab lots of Old Grand Dad before Parker gives it an 88 and it's all gone!!

Anonymous said...

Let's not.