Buy Sku Stuff!

As many of you know, my previous efforts to monetize this blog have been a complete failure. My deal with Diageo fell through and the Protestant Malt Whiskey Society went bust. It's not easy being a blogger. On top of drinking really great whiskey all the time, I actually have to have a job. It seems so unfair. But now, I've got the answer.

I know that if you're like most people, you love to buy useless shit. If you own a Neat glass or a Pappy Van Winkle belt buckle, I'm talking to you, and I've got some merchandise you won't be able to pass up! Please allow me to introduce our Sku line of products.

The Sku glass.  Being in with Sku means that you know quality and have class. This classic Glencairn glass with a lovely monogram shows that you are in the know about all things whiskey. And don't even think about adding ice, you hopeless philistine. ($45)

The Sku Shirt. Show your sku-ness with a lovely Sku T-shirt. Available in any size sold at Target. ($75).

The Sku Whiskey Infographic. Who doesn't love infographics?  I lovingly crafted this hand-made, full-color infographic from my special Sku knowledge of whiskey. It's an 8 1/2 x 11, suitable for framing, one of a kind original, available in hard copy or pdf. It will make you smart and cool. ($120)


And remember, if you don't have Sku swag, you're not a real whiskey lover!

Marketing Diageo Style

This just in: one of my confidential sources at Diageo sent me a recording of a marketing meeting that took place sometime in mid-2013.  I've changed the names in order to protect my source, but all of the participants are high level executives in Diageo's marketing department. Here is the transcript which provides a fascinating look into the marketing practices of the world's largest spirits company.

Roger: Thanks for coming to this meeting on short notice.  I wanted to talk about our bourbon problem.  As you know, we've got a shortage of available warehouse space.  Well, that's partly because we have thousands of barrels of very old, mediocre bourbon, mostly from the Bernehim distillery, that we have no use for. We've got to dump it somehow. I need ideas.

Peggy:  Easy, put it in Bulleit.  We need a new source for that brand anyway.

Roger: I thought of that, but this stuff is too old for Bulleit.  We could only dump small amounts in at a time, and that wouldn't do much toward ameliorating the stockpile.

Peggy:  Okay, so start a new brand. Maybe bring back IW Harper.  We get a press hit for the new brand, folks buy a bottle to give it a try, and we dump all the old crap into it.

Roger:  Great idea, I think that's a plan.

Don:  Wrong!

Roger:  What do you mean Don.

Don:  You know what I see here?  A lack of creativity.  These old stockpiles aren't a burden; they're an opportunity.  Sure, you could pour all of the bourbon into one new brand, get one press hit and people will buy one bottle, but then they'll realize that it's mediocre bourbon and they'll never buy another one. But why release one new label when you could release five or ten. Hell, release a new one every month.  Then you get a press hit for every bottle, plus reviews, blog posts and tweets every month.  People will collect them all.  They'll post pictures of them on Facebook with comments like "Boom" or "This just happened," and other people will see the posts and buy them all because it said "boom."

Roger:  Don, I don't think I made it entirely clear how mediocre this stuff is.

Don:  Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally walk into a meeting of the quality control department?  I thought this was marketing. Come on Roger, don't be naive. Sure, people will buy the first release and maybe it will suck, but then they'll think, hmm, maybe the second one will be better, and if that one sucks, maybe the third or the fourth will be better.  Think about it. These are old bottles of limited edition bourbon.  It's like printing money. People can't not buy them.

Peggy:  Don, with all due respect, I don't think our customers are that stupid.

Don:  We'll see Peggy. We'll see.

(W)hiskey Thursd(a)y: Whisk(e)y of the Year - The Macallan Ridiculique

Welcome to the first edition of Sku's Whisk(e)y Awards! In an effort to help our readers select from the best whisk(i)e(y)s, we will be giving an annual award to the best whis(k)ey of the year, chosen from among all of the free samples we have received, because remember, the best whiskey is the one you didn't have to pay for.

And this year's winner is: The Macallan Ridiculique!

The Macallan Ridiculique is an 80 year old Macallan presented in a beautiful crystal decanter, hand blown by trained monkeys. Macallan Ridiculique is cask strength at 44% abv and non-chill filtered. It uses only vintage caramel colo(u)ring.

The world's rarest whisky, the sole Macallan Ridiculique in existence was sold for an undisclosed sum to an anonymous petroleum tycoon, but I was lucky enough to get a sample.

Tasting

The Macallan Ridiculique has a lovely nose of exclusivity and elitism, followed up with a flavor of self-promotion, self-satisfaction and speculation. The finish though, is tinged with regret, decreased expectations and a solemnity that borders on melancholy.

Sku rating: 10 million!