Wednesday, April 8, 2015

How Whiskey Geeks Appear to Outsiders

The other day I was shopping at the grocery store.  As I was putting a container of cottage cheese in my cart, I was approached by a young man who said, "Can I help you find something?"

"Thanks. I'm fine."

He continued, "Is that Dairy World Cottage Cheese you've got there?"

I looked at the label and responded, "Um, yeah, I guess it is."

"You may not be aware of this, but even though they call it 'Dairy World,' they don't have a dairy. They're just a company that buys cottage cheese from another dairy and puts their own label on it. It's total BS."

"Okay, does it taste bad?"

"Not necessarily. It's really about the deception.  And they use a filtering process to sort out the smaller curds."

"Is that bad?"

"A lot of us feel that the filtering takes away from the richness, full mouth feel and balance we expect from a good cottage cheese."

"But it's just cottage cheese."

"Well, as a real fan of cottage cheese, I like to make sure people know what they're getting.  The other issue is they use a soy-based additive to add texture and color."

"Is that bad for you?"

"No, but it's an unnecessary additive to make it seem 'smooth' for people who don't know anything about cottage cheese."

"But I like smooth cottage cheese."

"No, no you don't.  Here, try this one, Healthy Cow; it's got no additives, it's unfiltered and they make it themselves."

"But it's $25."

"Good cottage cheese takes time and effort to make. And hey, that's a bargain compared to what some of the special releases cost...if you can find them."

"You know, I'm just looking for something basic so I think I'm going to stick with the $5 one, but I really appreciate your help, and I'm glad that the people who work here have so much knowledge about the products."

"Oh, I don't work here."

"Okay, I'll be going now."


Unknown said...

guilty as charged, got a good chuckle out of this. Though I have learned to try & keep unsolicited advice to, "It's basically the same product as X, but they charge more." Or save the unnecessary extra info for friends/family that are at least sort of into whiskey even if they don't do the deep dive

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

well, if some cottage cheese producer claimed or heavily implied that they made their own cottage cheese at some artisinal farm in rural vermont from the milk of the most superb cows but actually sourced their curds from a farming collective in smolensk by the shipping container full, i'd be a bit annoyed at that. not that there's anything wrong with cottage cheese from smolensk. i want to know where my cottage cheese is coming from!

Barturtle said...

Why in the world would you spread word about Healthy Cow? Don't you know they're limited in how much they can produce? Most stores can't even get it, and the ones who can are jacking up the price.

When in the dairy case to pick up my Healthy Cow, if there are others around, I go and feign interest in the store brand until they go away, then I quickly grab it and hide it in my cart by burying it under the bagged frozen veggies, which also helps maintain it at the proper temperature until I can get it home and place it lovingly into my cottage cheese cave, where it can mature.

Let the unwashed masses have their Dairy World.

Vit said...

Did the young man in the grocery store have a big 1890's mustache? Sounds like it might be Kevin. I know him from the LA Curd Society.

Archaeology Carl said...

I just received 3 extra cases of Limited Edition Healthy Cow. Willing to let two of them go.
BIN $2500. CONUS $45
Will consider trade for unopened bottles from the Single Cow Project.

Anonymous said...

This is priceless comedy. We really do sound like d bags. "But I like smooth..."No you don't." Awesome!

Adam H said...

There are:

Whiskey Geeks
Whiskey Enthusiasts
Whiskey Historians
Whiskey Collectors
Whiskey Drinkers

And then there are:

Whiskey Losers

I propose that we start to differentiate.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I do not care for this year's release of Healthy Cow. Grassy notes are too pronounced. Glad I stocked up on the 2014 release.

Anonymous said...

I wish they would release Healthy Cow at Bovine Strength. The aroma would be more intense and the flavor would be out of this world. It's too watered down to really appreciate it much at its current strength.

Marduk said...

Like avoiding factory eggs, pork and beef, avoid factory cottage cheese, and more importantly, avoid factory whisky. Eat and drink artisanally made only. Of course you'll pay more. So what. There are a thousand and one ways to save a buck, food and drink are not one.

Funky Tape said...

What the? $25!?!? Call the dairy and report that retailer! Cut those assholes out of the supply chain. No retail store has a right to sell anything above the communist-demanded 'fair' price.

Also, stop buying flipped cottage cheese! Don't you know that this is the major cause of the milk bubble?! It has nothing to do with the government's control over milk, its the GDMFing flippers and their refusal to acknowledge how good fascism is for the people.

whiskylassie said...

You made this up....! Or wait, was it Jim Murray... I hear he's branching out into the Dairy world now...


Harry said...

After seeing your blog, I went looking for Healthy Cow at my local Whole Foods and couldn't find it. The dairy case manager told me he doesn't know when they'll get any - the distributors have it on allocation. BUT, he recommended Wealthy Cow which he told me is just as good as WC. And it cost only half as much. I bought all I could get. Now, where to bunker it . . .

Anonymous said...

So true - hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I will not eat a cottage cheese with a rating of less than 96. Only want the best.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone heard about a pending shortage of cottage cheese? Something about them not being able to produce enough product to fulfill demand. They expect the shortage to last a few years until production can be increased.

Anonymous said...

I know this is just a spoof, but true cheese geeks can give whiskey geeks a run for their money. The thing that's cooler about cheese geeks is that there's no collecting, since its a highly perishable food. So people buy to eat it

Anonymous said...

funny illustration but it got one thing wrong, the pricing is usually reversed. I the example, Dairy World (the non-producer just labels it) would be $25 and Healthy Cow (the actual producer) would be $15-20.

Anonymous said...

I was gifted a 2012 vintage single barrel Healthy Cow that was aged in Pedro Ximenez Cask No 3451, but I'm suspicious since the distributor is Italian. Anyone know if this is a fake? PtbP

ryescentsofhumor said...

I just tried some 80 calorie low fat product. Blech! Good news is I found a carton of Elmer T G Lee buried in the back of the dairy shelf. Even better, at home I looked at the laser code on the bottom and saw it was from 2012! It's getting near impossible to find coldies like that in the wild. Here's my review:

I served it at fridge temperature out of a Corelle salad bowl without adding any garnish. Color - white. Nose - curdy with hints of sour cream, vanilla and easter marshmallow peeps. Taste - the first thing that hits you is the nice lumpiness followed by a calcium/mineral midpalate. Finish - long chewy teeth coating with nice tang that lasted a good minute plus. rated: B+/A-